Facing the Flames
“Family dysfunction rolls down from generation to generation, like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow”
My immigrant parents had a 25-year arranged marriage that was quite possibly doomed from the start - despite their best efforts. I am told one of my relatives screamed like a woman being murdered the night of one of their wedding events – she was possessed by a bhooth, my grandmother says. I laugh about it every time (uncomfortably, of course). But this is my way, to beg for stories from the old days in India, to understand where my roots are – even in haunted memories.
Aai had a challenging upbringing. They struggled hard financially, but they were rich, sreemant, in the way they loved and received love – my grandfather, Bapu, and grandmother, Big Gigi, made sure of that.
Daddy had a challenging upbringing. He was born somewhere in the middle of 12-13 (still unsure) siblings. My poor grandmother, Aaji, never saw her family again after she was married. My grandfather, Ajoba, loved his family, was a pious man – but was hard on them. They struggled in a different way from my mom’s family.
Growing up, my dad was an enigmatic character. I just never knew what I would get. He was a lover of food, nature, music, an avid snow/water skier; he loved to sing, to dance, to joke. But he was not cut out to be a father of teenage kids. The minute I could talk back, he did not know what to do. His loss of control resulted in bouts of anger, emotional abuse, and harm that would define my childhood and young adult years. When my parents divorced, I chose to cut him out of my life, as we could not maintain a healthy relationship.
In 2017, I joined the Board of Directors at API Chaya. API Chaya helped my family when my parents separated. They empowered us to survive, find safety, and understand what we were living through. As I reflect on my final year as Board Chair, I would be remiss if I didn’t say – while I started my healing journey during our first encounter with API Chaya more than 20 years ago, I have only just begun to thrive – through our commitment to and understanding of transformative justice principles.
A few months ago, I did something radical. I went to see Daddy. I found love, grace, humility, and healing. I found no anger - only an elderly man, elated to see me. My dad is not a monster. He is a survivor of his own childhood trauma, and we were caught in a cycle of harm.
I recently read a quote by Terry Real that found a home in my soul:
“Family dysfunction rolls down from generation to generation, like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow.”
Daddy is now a part of my life, my childrens’ lives. For this, I could not be more grateful to my API Chaya family – our mission, values, and commitment to help people heal. Love you all so much.
On Thanksgiving, I called Daddy. I asked him if he was disappointed in me. With fervor, he said: “No Rani, no. I love you.” Those words were so simple, so powerful, and they have changed my life.
API Chaya empowers survivors of gender-based violence and human trafficking to gain safety, connection, and wellness. We build power by educating and mobilizing South Asian, Asian, Pacific Islander, and all immigrant communities to end exploitation, creating a world where all people can heal and thrive.