Love, Loathing, & Manifestation

They say if you believe it, put in the work - you can manifest it. I meditate every day. It’s an intentional act to find reasons to love myself – the biggest challenge of my life has been loving myself as much as I love everyone else. I work hard at manifesting self love.

I got married during a time I did not like, much less love myself. I have amicably separated from my husband after 15 years of marriage. We (I) strive to be friends, and we share two beautiful kids. It is not easy some days, as the blame and shame remain heavy. I love him. But we didn’t grow together. I separated from him because he and I both deserve to be happy. It was painful to set him free. I did it though. We have been honest with our kids about it. They are happy and healthy because we have been truthful. He has moved on, and I am genuinely thrilled for him. I love this about myself.

I confided to my loved ones I was unhappy in my marriage for many years. Yet, when I shared we planned to separate – they were devastated. There was scrutiny about the timing, the delivery of the message, my mental health, my commitment to my kids. After a year of processing how much trauma this caused my extended family members, I fully admit – things may never be the same. I’ve made them uncomfortable with my truth. It’s been lonely. I survived, became stronger, leaned into myself. I love this about myself.

As the eldest of 3 kids, I was perhaps never a child. Or maybe I was – a feral one grasping for safety every moment. I love my parents, my family. But God, it was hard. As a child of immigrants, expectations are high, confusing, and never directly communicated – I grew up learning to keep the peace, making sure I put everyone else first. My parents, my siblings, my husband, my kids – until a day came when I knew I was lost. I had grown up to become a reflection of what all my loved ones wanted me to be. I confronted this truth. I changed. I am who I want to be. I love this about myself.

My daughter was sick this past summer. In midst of my separation. I fought with my family to stay by her bedside around the clock for weeks. I consulted with colleagues and doctors on her treatment plan, advised on how to get her pain under control, and I nursed her back to health. I love this about myself.

I stumble and fall every day – literally and proverbially. I get back up, heal, forgive myself, grow. I lead with my heart in pursuit of unconditional love always. I believe and trust regardless of painful experiences. My heart will not harden. I love this about myself.

I have become the person I needed as a child. My kids recognize this. I am authentic, radiant and ugly at once. They love me regardless. I am a radical mother. I love this about myself.

I will find more reasons to love myself with each passing day. I love this about myself.